Any zombie movie that doesn't have hordes of people running towards the zombies to deliberately get bitten because they're convinced it's a liberal hoax is going to look pretty unrealistic now.
— The Slothmare Before Christmas (@CaseyExplosion) June 27, 2020
the government should give us each $8,000 not because that’s how much a batman pinball machine costs it’s for a different reason
— dirt prince (@pant_leg) March 31, 2020
Smoking a “doobie?”
Can’t wait for April 15 2021 when the government is like “ok time to pay us for that year where we failed you in every way imaginable and 300,000 of you died” sir i would like to cancel my subscription
— eli yudin (@eliyudin) December 9, 2020
But who woke the knocker-ups?
2 Pound Scramble! This is one breakfast intended for sharing! 🍳 pic.twitter.com/VExyGucQmV
— Chefclub Network (@ChefclubNetwork) October 9, 2020
My serious comment on this bacon-cheese-scrambled egg meal: It looks delicious. The presentation is extremely clever. Yes, it would be terribly unhealthy to eat it every day. So don’t.
Some of the replies are very funny.
Nobody: What’s your favorite paradox?
Me: If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie UP, he cannot give it to you as he will never give you up. However, in doing so, he lets you down. Thus creating the Astley Paradox.
— Alenora (@spunkyturnip) June 28, 2020
Wisdom from Herman Munster
An apparition appears in your room, alongside a more successful looking doppelganger of yourself.
Apparition: " – and THIS is what you would be!"
Doppelganger: "Oh my god! Spare me these twisted visions, specter! I've learned my lesson!"
You: Hey what the fuck
— Plague Of Gripes (@PlagueOfGripes) December 23, 2018
I've Tweeted this before but in light of the WSJ op-ed I thought I'd re-up this deposition of my mother in 1984. pic.twitter.com/QnbdWElvE1
— Conor Dougherty (@ConorDougherty) December 12, 2020